I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
