I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
