I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
