Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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