Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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