Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
