Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
