OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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