whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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