this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
