someone get that fucking seahorse.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
