Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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