1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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