You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize
