i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
