She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
