He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
