just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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