just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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