that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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