You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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