I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
We named our party play list daddy issues
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
