I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
