yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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