Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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