no, he came in my armpit
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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