I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
