The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He shit in the fireplace
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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