I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
