I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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