Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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