We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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