you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
