Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
