I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
