i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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