I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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