I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
