Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
