i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
