I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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