My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
