Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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