I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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