We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My pussy is not your playground.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
