The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
