i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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