Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
