i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
