I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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