I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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