You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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