My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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