I heard we made out
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
