I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
