Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
