I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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