She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
