I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
