i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
